Archive for the ‘Tales’ Category

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 70,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.


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The Time They Got Locked in That Dungeon

Of all the things Pat Sajak hated, what he hated most was being locked up in a dungeon and left for dead.

“Fuck,” Pat Sajak thought, “how did they know I hate being left for dead?”

As his eyes adjusted to the light, Pat Sajak noticed that Nacho Donut joined him in his current predicament. The two had been travelling along in their RV when a routine traffic stop brought their trip to a halt.

“How many fucking tickets do you have to get for us to be thrown in a dungeon?!” shouted Nacho Donut. “A DUNGEON?!”

“You better shut that little circle you call a mouth if you know what’s good for you, boy. Or girl.” replied Pat Sajak.

Pat Sajak was beginning to shimmy around and survey his surroundings. Pat Sajak also had a weird grin on his face.

“Can’t get any worse than this.” said Nacho Donut. “Unless you somehow break free and then decide that raping me is your first priority.”

Pat Sajak was insulted and had had enough. He had had enough before, but this was the most he had ever had had enough in his life. He had also had it up to here.

“Listen, you walking butthole. You fried little shit ring. I’ve seen Saw and all the trailers for the sequels. I know exactly what to do in a situation like this.”

As Pat Sajak was saying this, he grew redder and redder in the face. He was almost purple.

“All I gotta do is saw my fucking leg off and I’m outta here. Probably even fuck you on the way out,” Pat Sajak muttered.

Nacho Donut began to wonder when their relationship had become so sexual. It had always been violent, almost exclusively so, but this was a new wrinkle.

“Mr. Sajak, I think this is just a puzzle. And I’ve almost got it figured out…”

Before Nacho Donut could get another sentence out, Pat Sajak began to saw his fucking leg off.

“Sweet shit, that hurts! Oh, God, this is worse than Jeopardy!” screamed a surprisingly coherent, and obviously jealous, Pat Sajak.

As the hours passed, Pat Sajak came closer and closer to freedom as the lake of blood around his leg grew bigger and bigger. When Pat Sajak finally freed himself, he looked up, only to see there was no one else in the dungeon. Pat Sajak stumbled back to the apartment to see Nacho Donut, who had been there for hours, sprawled out on the couch. He had watched all the shit they had saved on the DVR. Of all the things Pat Sajak hated, what he hated second most was when people didn’t wait for him to watch shit he had saved on the DVR. The golden rule.

Then, Pat Sajak fainted and fell over, because he had chopped his leg off, while Nacho Donut Netflixed Love Actually.

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Tale of the Tape

38 Age 39
17’10” (est.) Height 5’7” (est.)
34” Reach 62”
Ronald probably Likes Burgers
Dislikes Chicken Sandwiches (hates)
Claiming Barney ripped him off Signature Move Stealing
Motivation None, he’s on drugs


There has been a long-festering rivalry between these two since at least the late 80’s, when Hamburglar stabbed Grimace for doing the rest of his blow one night. Hamburglar thought Grimace had a lot of nerve doing something like that. Grimace thought Hamburglar had a lot of nerve stabbing him like that. In terms of age, both are approaching 40 and should be receiving their Old Man Strength any day now. While Grimace looks to have somewhat of a height advantage, it is based solely upon estimates. Also, you can’t measure the heart of a champion or something.

Round 1: So Nice to Meet You. Now Die!

The bell rings and Hamburglar bolts from his corner in a cold sweat from the Tony Montana Sundae he took down before the match. Grimace, on the other hand, comes out sluggish after the I’m-All-The-Ice-Cream-There-Is Sundae he just consumed. Hamburglar tries throwing punches but is hindered by the pile of cheeseburgers he is carrying. Not a good idea, dude. Next time, put down the burgers before a fight to the death. Also, this is a fight to the death. Grimace is eying up his opponent, waiting for the perfect time to pounce. As Hamburglar goes to take his next bite (seriously guy, in the middle of a fight?!), Grimace unleashes what he believes to be his fury. However, his hands are so soft and fluffy that, even in fist form, they are capable of nothing more than a severe tickling. Also, he has a twinkle in his eyes. Both fighters appear to be out of their respective element and begin puking in furious unison. The bell rings and round 1 is over with not a drop of blood, but plenty of burger meat, on the canvas.

Round 2: Race for the Prize

The next round begins with a Happy Meal toy lowered from the ceiling and our two proud warriors pouncing for the prize. Patty meat is flying everywhere as the two collide in the middle of the ring. Grimace attempts to pin Hamburglar from behind and seems to be having far too much fun in doing so. A veteran of the penal system, Hamburglar is well aware of what is about to happen and quickly throws some pepper from his condiment belt in the purple Christmas Tree’s eyes. As Grimace struggles to regain his vision, Hamburglar decides to use these precious few seconds to EAT MORE BURGERS! You could have pinned him but you munched instead? You fool! (The burgers are later found to be topped with copious amounts of cocaine.) Grimace lumbers over in search of burgers, squealing in delight and scaring all the children, as well as all the not-children. Hamburglar grabs the Happy Meal toy (a SINGLE roller skate?) and the bell rings. Get the fuck to your corners.

Round 3: Weapons

The third round is where it always gets dirty and this is part of always so it gets dirty here. Grimace is clearly worn out from the first two rounds, but no one is clearly sure why. Hamburglar has taken on the look of a homeless grifter handing out HJs for speed. This is because he has been out in the parking lot between rounds giving an HJ for speed. The fighters circle in the center of the ring when Hamburglar goes at Grimace’s legs. A kick to the shin is followed by an Ultimate Tapper that brings Grimace to his knees. Eye to eye, the duelists each spit in each others’ eyes. As both keel over they grab a handful of dirt (in the ring?) and blast each other in the face. Their dirty tendencies doing nothing more than prolonging the battle, the fighters know it needs to start going down and so they fight better and now, IT’S GOING DOWN! The bell rings, round 4 is on the way, hold your fucking horses. Jeez!

Round 4: All Good Hamburglar’s Legs Must Come to an End

Round 4 begins and it turns out that Grimace IS in fact 17 feet 10 inches tall. So, he walks up to Hamburglar and tears him in two. Then he tears his legs apart and tosses them like souvenirs to the crowd. Then he takes a dump on Hamburglar’s chest. His prize is the other roller skate.

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With the recent news of caffeinated alcoholic beverages being ruled unsafe, I can not help but recall one of the most improbable events of all time. After these drinks are made illegal, it will be assured that such a feat will never occur again.

Once upon on a time on High Street at Ohio University, an unopened can of JOOSE was left sitting on a porch. It remained there to bake in the sun and it was clear that no one was going to be drinking it anytime soon. A man of great skill and wisdom who happened to have an old pair of shoes that he did not need anymore proceeded to tie the shoelace of one of the shoes to the tab on the can of the Orange-flavored JOOSE. With the porch located across the street from either telephone or power lines, this man eyed his target. He proclaimed that he would be able to throw his newly created half JOOSE, half shoe makeshift nunchaku on top of the lines in one try. A hater at the scene said it couldn’t be done. Although I was optimistic, I went to the other side of the street just to make sure that the newly created Shoose did not hit any cars, particularly my car. I was prepared to Dikembe Mutombo it if the situation called for such action.

Not wasting much time, he heaved the Shoose. I knew right away that the throw was clean and true. It had the height and the distance and really just seemed to float through the air as if some supernatural force were guiding it to its resting place on top of the power and or phone lines. If my memory is correct, the force of the impact caused the shoelace to pull on the tab which opened it just enough for some JOOSE foam to spurt out. It was just like a championship celebration. A championship celebration where the person who invented the sport and who was the only person to ever play it became the champion, on that day and forever.

I rejoiced, the hater was silenced and the man who made it all possible acted like he had been there before. I think that Szabo was there, too. The Shoose would remain for some weeks or months until one day it was reported missing but it will always be there in my memory as well as in some pictures that I have of it in an old cell phone that made the scene look like science fiction. Subsequently or previously, the other shoe was ritually set on fire so we could see the air pocket explode. Finally, a shirt was burned.

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There is a new tab at the top of the Nacho Donut page called the Random Post Generator. It is pretty self explanatory and will give you access to hundreds of Nacho Donut posts that you may have never seen before.

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President’s Day 2004

It was a hot and humid day in Tallahassee as the cast and crew of Wheel of Fortune gathered at Pat Sajak’s time-share for the annual President’s Day bash. Everyone was there, including Vanna, who, as Pat Sajak had made it widely known, was invited strictly out of obligation. There were several games set up for the party-goers to enjoy, including tetherball, red light-green light, and, the party standard, Crocodile Mile. A shimmering ice sculpture oversaw the impressive spread full of pizza bagels, churros and countless varieties of hot pockets.

Continue this magical journey…

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After winning splendidly on his appearance at Wheel of Fortune, Nacho Donut had grown close to Pat Sajak and was eventually able to forgive him for the eye-molestation in the Ferrari only weeks ago. The two had become inseparable, with the only hiccups coming when Nacho Donut would catch Pat Sajak ogling his donut-hole. They had set boundaries, and Nacho Donut expected Pat Sajak to respect those boundaries. For their weekend getaway to Napa Valley, the two had rented an RV:

Read more of this thrilling adventure!

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