Posts Tagged ‘CNN’

What did Nothing Burger ever do to you?

The latest trend in media is Nothing Burger Bullying. People on the right, on the left and even those who recognize that they have zero obligation to join a group are participating. This has put Nothing Burger on pace to become Something by the end of this sentence.


Do you hate meat? Do you hate not-meat? Do you fear the rise of Nothing Burger?

Have you considered the feelings of Nothing Burger’s Barren Bun?

Without Bun, Nothing Burger would just be air. This would result in Nothing Burger being everywhere. An omnipresent Nothing Burger cognizant of those who have built themselves up by putting him down is not an enemy that I would want to have.

As a Not Food myself, I see this as an attack on all foods that mainly exist in the imaginations of fantasy foodies. Nothing Burger being pummeled in the media on a daily basis is destined to have repercussions. I will not be on the wrong side of history.


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With the recent news of caffeinated alcoholic beverages being ruled unsafe, I can not help but recall one of the most improbable events of all time. After these drinks are made illegal, it will be assured that such a feat will never occur again.

Once upon on a time on High Street at Ohio University, an unopened can of JOOSE was left sitting on a porch. It remained there to bake in the sun and it was clear that no one was going to be drinking it anytime soon. A man of great skill and wisdom who happened to have an old pair of shoes that he did not need anymore proceeded to tie the shoelace of one of the shoes to the tab on the can of the Orange-flavored JOOSE. With the porch located across the street from either telephone or power lines, this man eyed his target. He proclaimed that he would be able to throw his newly created half JOOSE, half shoe makeshift nunchaku on top of the lines in one try. A hater at the scene said it couldn’t be done. Although I was optimistic, I went to the other side of the street just to make sure that the newly created Shoose did not hit any cars, particularly my car. I was prepared to Dikembe Mutombo it if the situation called for such action.

Not wasting much time, he heaved the Shoose. I knew right away that the throw was clean and true. It had the height and the distance and really just seemed to float through the air as if some supernatural force were guiding it to its resting place on top of the power and or phone lines. If my memory is correct, the force of the impact caused the shoelace to pull on the tab which opened it just enough for some JOOSE foam to spurt out. It was just like a championship celebration. A championship celebration where the person who invented the sport and who was the only person to ever play it became the champion, on that day and forever.

I rejoiced, the hater was silenced and the man who made it all possible acted like he had been there before. I think that Szabo was there, too. The Shoose would remain for some weeks or months until one day it was reported missing but it will always be there in my memory as well as in some pictures that I have of it in an old cell phone that made the scene look like science fiction. Subsequently or previously, the other shoe was ritually set on fire so we could see the air pocket explode. Finally, a shirt was burned.

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