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Posts Tagged ‘golf’

Nacho Donut is involved in serious trade negotiations with Denver in an attempt to acquire Carmelo Anthony. The move would transform Anthony from a Nugget into a Donut.

George Karl: Of course I love donuts…but who the hell this?

Nacho Donut: Don’t be a fool. I am Nacho Donut of Nacho Donut. I want Melo. What is it going to take?

George Karl: Are you serious? How did you get my number?

Nacho Donut: That is not important, George.

George Karl: God Dammit! I bet it was Birdman. That dude stays high.

Nacho Donut: Look, I’m not worrying about why you have two first names so don’t worry about how I got your number. Let’s get down to business.

George Karl: Well Mr. Donut…

Nacho Donut: Don’t call me Mister Donut. That place closed down years ago.

George Karl: Whatever you are, I am not even the GM so I don’t know what you thought you would accomplish with this phone call. Besides that, I know quite a bit about the league and I don’t seem to recall Nacho Donut being one of the 32 NBA teams.

Nacho Donut: Well Karl George, I happen to know quite a bit about donuts and I don’t seem to recall them having hands yet somehow I was able to call you on this rotary phone. Explain that to me. How did I dial your digits when I have no digits? You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it.

Karl George: I like your style, Nacho Donut. Let’s get this done.

The proposed deal will send Golf Vs. Hippies, a bag of weed, Sour Skittles, a camel, three tortilla chips, two 2 day old donuts, Jesus riding a dinosaur, a bag of Savory Pub, a buy one donut get one free coupon and cash considerations to Denver in exchange for Anthony.

It is all contingent upon Carmelo agreeing to the terms of a long term contract. The only thing holding up this deal is Carmelo having second thoughts about the prospect of having NBA Jam big head code on twenty four hours a day. Nacho Donut does seem immovable on this issue but some sort of a compromise will be worked out as both sides really want this deal to be made. Additionally, Nacho Donut will be adding a new donut to the menu called Carmelo Anthony.

The ingredients will include carmel and marshmallows and every donut is guaranteed to be made by someone named Anthony.

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The half iced tea-half lemonade, otherwise known as a Craig Stadler, by Honest Tea. This stuff is dank.

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The womanizing, vicodin addicted jungle cat will make his return to a well landscaped field at Augusta in order to attempt to hit dimpled, white balls into shallow holes with expensive metal sticks on April 8th. Nacho Donut is working on getting a press pass to cover the event. If Tiger had not been married, he would be considered a pimp but since he was married he is considered the biggest asshole on Earth. He has obviously made some big mistakes but getting married was the biggest. If you want to bang whores across the country then that is your right as long as you are not married.

I am using this announcement by Woods as a reason to repost one of my favorite things from Nacho Donut history. Soon after I posted this, YouTube literally called me out on my shenanigans. More on that later. For now, enjoy once again as Nacho Donut commits Nacho Cheese Transgressions on Tiger Wood’s head.

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Nacho Donut commits a nacho cheese transgression on Tiger Woods.

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bad-ass-golf-carts

So here is a paste of the stimulus loophole that is all the rage, please do enjoy:

Golfers in the US are getting a steal thanks to the stimulus plan. Golf carts are getting massive discounts, up to half or two-thirds off, and some cheaper models can be completely free.

The intention of the stimulus package was to encourage consumers to buy high-mileage cars. Those who purchase electric vehicles can get $4,200 to $5,500 in federal tax credit. Golf cart, while not a practical mean of transportation, falls under this category, thus eligible for the tax credit from government. In some states, there are similar incentive programs, which provide additional subsidies. When an average golf cart costs about $8,000 to $10,000, it means golfers can get their carts for free, paid from tax money.

The stimulus crack emerged after IRS ruled that golf carts qualify for electric car tax credit as long as they are road worthy. They need to have safety features, like side and rear mirrors and 3-point seat belts.

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The Full ClevelandI was reading Crain’s a few weeks ago (big business here, people) and came across an article about The Full Cleveland. After careful research (Googling it on the couch) I found out that The Full Cleveland is when you rock a leisure suit with a white belt and white shoes. The article in Crain’s was talking about how some younger golfers are bringing back The Full Cleveland, minus the leisure suit, and that it is a style that should not be brought back. I disagree. I have been rocking The Full Cleveland, unknowingly, for years and will continue to do so especially now that I know I’m repping my city with my belt and shoes. The Full Cleveland, you are awesome, don’t go away again, and let’s have a kick-ass summer! I’m getting new whites this week…

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bear-greets-golfers

As the war between golfers and hippies wages on, it appears that the stakes have risen.  The main points of conflict revolve around water consumption:  golf courses use a tremendous amount of water to stay in top shape, especially in high temperature climates such as the west coast of the United States which also happens to be hippie central.  Now hippies think they are saving the environment by not showering and talking about things they do not do.  For example, it is quite difficult to enact social change when you think smoking pot, living in squalor, and talking to other hippies will magically change something.  Someone who looks borderline homeless is not going to be able to attend committee meetings at city hall and be taken seriously;  golfers on the other hand, with the exception of the Tiger Woods caliber of athlete, are equally lazy in many ways but also have all the money.  They want the beautiful courses to stay around forever, because with a lot of water they remain beautiful unlike their wives who are one surgical procedure away from lookhippies_yellowing like cake batter.  The golfing community has even thrown the hippies a bone offering them frisbee golf, where they can still wear their woven hooded sweaters and pretend like they are good at something besides complaining.  After the Electric Kool Aid Acid Tests were put to an end, the hippies have not accomplished anything, and have dwindled down to small scattered sects that sell lsd at unbelievable price mark ups.  And now they have begun sending bears after the golfers with promises of fish bounties that they do not have the resources for and will not deliver, being the selfish hippie bastards that they are.

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