Posts Tagged ‘Grimace’

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Tale of the Tape

38 Age 39
17’10” (est.) Height 5’7” (est.)
34” Reach 62”
Ronald probably Likes Burgers
Dislikes Chicken Sandwiches (hates)
Claiming Barney ripped him off Signature Move Stealing
Motivation None, he’s on drugs


There has been a long-festering rivalry between these two since at least the late 80’s, when Hamburglar stabbed Grimace for doing the rest of his blow one night. Hamburglar thought Grimace had a lot of nerve doing something like that. Grimace thought Hamburglar had a lot of nerve stabbing him like that. In terms of age, both are approaching 40 and should be receiving their Old Man Strength any day now. While Grimace looks to have somewhat of a height advantage, it is based solely upon estimates. Also, you can’t measure the heart of a champion or something.

Round 1: So Nice to Meet You. Now Die!

The bell rings and Hamburglar bolts from his corner in a cold sweat from the Tony Montana Sundae he took down before the match. Grimace, on the other hand, comes out sluggish after the I’m-All-The-Ice-Cream-There-Is Sundae he just consumed. Hamburglar tries throwing punches but is hindered by the pile of cheeseburgers he is carrying. Not a good idea, dude. Next time, put down the burgers before a fight to the death. Also, this is a fight to the death. Grimace is eying up his opponent, waiting for the perfect time to pounce. As Hamburglar goes to take his next bite (seriously guy, in the middle of a fight?!), Grimace unleashes what he believes to be his fury. However, his hands are so soft and fluffy that, even in fist form, they are capable of nothing more than a severe tickling. Also, he has a twinkle in his eyes. Both fighters appear to be out of their respective element and begin puking in furious unison. The bell rings and round 1 is over with not a drop of blood, but plenty of burger meat, on the canvas.

Round 2: Race for the Prize

The next round begins with a Happy Meal toy lowered from the ceiling and our two proud warriors pouncing for the prize. Patty meat is flying everywhere as the two collide in the middle of the ring. Grimace attempts to pin Hamburglar from behind and seems to be having far too much fun in doing so. A veteran of the penal system, Hamburglar is well aware of what is about to happen and quickly throws some pepper from his condiment belt in the purple Christmas Tree’s eyes. As Grimace struggles to regain his vision, Hamburglar decides to use these precious few seconds to EAT MORE BURGERS! You could have pinned him but you munched instead? You fool! (The burgers are later found to be topped with copious amounts of cocaine.) Grimace lumbers over in search of burgers, squealing in delight and scaring all the children, as well as all the not-children. Hamburglar grabs the Happy Meal toy (a SINGLE roller skate?) and the bell rings. Get the fuck to your corners.

Round 3: Weapons

The third round is where it always gets dirty and this is part of always so it gets dirty here. Grimace is clearly worn out from the first two rounds, but no one is clearly sure why. Hamburglar has taken on the look of a homeless grifter handing out HJs for speed. This is because he has been out in the parking lot between rounds giving an HJ for speed. The fighters circle in the center of the ring when Hamburglar goes at Grimace’s legs. A kick to the shin is followed by an Ultimate Tapper that brings Grimace to his knees. Eye to eye, the duelists each spit in each others’ eyes. As both keel over they grab a handful of dirt (in the ring?) and blast each other in the face. Their dirty tendencies doing nothing more than prolonging the battle, the fighters know it needs to start going down and so they fight better and now, IT’S GOING DOWN! The bell rings, round 4 is on the way, hold your fucking horses. Jeez!

Round 4: All Good Hamburglar’s Legs Must Come to an End

Round 4 begins and it turns out that Grimace IS in fact 17 feet 10 inches tall. So, he walks up to Hamburglar and tears him in two. Then he tears his legs apart and tosses them like souvenirs to the crowd. Then he takes a dump on Hamburglar’s chest. His prize is the other roller skate.

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