Posts Tagged ‘Hollywood’

The further manifestation of Nacho Donut into Physical Form. I am not even mad. I just have proof that I am the original Nacho Donut. Check out this article about how the guy from Machete has brought me out to Hollywood

Danny Trejo Gives LA the Nacho Donut


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“You better be on your best behavior tonight Katie, that is if you want your treat,” Tom Cruise chimes at his wife like a regent.

“Why is that Tom?” Katie inquires like a three year old girl trying to master the backyard.

“What did you call me?!?” Tom exclaims.

“Oh I’m so sorry, Space CommanderCruise,” Katie yelps as she falls to her knees for forgiveness.

“That’s right and don’t you ever let that slip your mind again, or when my thetan levels are at their pinnacle you will be left in the wasteland of emotional insignificance.”

“Please Space Commander Cruise; do not leave me behind when you make the cosmic assent.”

They carry plates from the kitchen into the dining room to prepare for the arrival of their dinner guests.  They set everything up systematically, whilst Katie makes sure to not make any direct eye contact with her overlord Tom Cruise.  After the four places have been set and the science candles lit, Tom heads upstairs to ritualistically masturbate in the master bathroom.

Meanwhile, Katie goes into the linen closet and cries for several minutes, as she does every day before dinner.

After a few minutes elapse, they hear the doorbell ring and play the custom song created:  “Tom Cruise is the second coming of Elron Hubbard, he giggles because he is a space champion!!”  Of course, the song can only be heard on the inside of the house, on the doorstep it plays:  “Welcome to the home of Tom and Katie, I love my wife and daughter and neither of them are my slaves.”

“Shall I get the door?” Katie questions as she exits the linen closet.

“No!!!  I will greet the magnificent Johnny Depp and his current girlfriend,” Tom yells as he triumphantly gallops down the stairs after coating a full length mirror with his thetan enriched ejaculation inspired by the thoughts of young male space mutants.

“Great to see you Johnny,” Tom says as he opens the door.  “And this lovely woman is?”

“This is Courtney, she speaks French and does anal, we may be in love,” Johnny Depp victoriously replies.

“Well come on in guys, the table is all set and ready to go,” Tom says directing them to the dining room as he yanks his wife Katie backwards to speak with her.

In a whisper, “Now listen hear you disgusting female entity, having Johnny join the Scientologists would do a lot for our street cred, so don’t speak unless you are spoken to, and if I see a frown on that face you will spend the night in the backyard digging up the piles of my own feces I buried out there last week.”

“Yes, Space Commander Cruise, I understand.”

“Did you give Suri her massive dose of sedatives?  I don’t want to hear a peep out that dreadful hellbeast.”

“Yes, I gave her an injection of morphine an hour ago.”

“Good work you rapturous concubine, now let’s eat dinner before I get upset at you.”

They make their way into the dining room and ring a small silver bell on the table to alert the house staff to start serving the meal courses.  Tom explains the ‘finer points’ of Scientology to Johnny as he tries, under the table, to find a way to get through his girlfriend’s panties with his index finger so he can insert into her anal cavity.  After Johnny makes Courtney whimper and nonchalantly smells his finger, he plunges himself into Tom’s diatribe.

“He really does sound interesting Tom, with the space rulers and thetan powered spaceships and all…” Johnny says before Katie interjects.

“It really is a magnificent way to forget everything you ever learned about science and consciousness and just float along beautifully,” Katie says with a sincere smile and then starts to look in Tom’s direction.

Tom gives Katie a stare that would make a hippopotamus go under water and begins to stroke the broad side of his steak knife with his left index finger.

“I am so sorry Johnny for Katie’s unbelievably rude interruption.”

“Oh, it is quite alright Tom, I didn’t find it offensive,” Johnny says continuing to eat his meal.

“I’m afraid we are going to have to end this dinner before dessert, I need to create some marital problems,” Tom says he stares at Katie with eyes now nearly bloodshot with rage.  “The servers will give you some cake to take with you.”

Tom escorts Johnny and Courtney from the table to the door, as Katie remains seated at the dinner table.  After Tom says goodbye and shuts the door he walks back into the dining room.  He gets directly behind Katie and places his mouth almost inside of her right ear.

He whispers maniacally, “That just cost you your clitoris.”

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Here is a list of winners for the major categories fom last night’s 82nd Academy Awards and my first thought upon typing out each winner. Here goes:

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker – Does this have anything to do with the shower scene in Porky’s?

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker – Whoa, James Cameron, she is waaaaay hotter than whoever you’re sitting next to/sleeping with!

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart – “Mind if I do a J?” (And this was, apparently, exactly what Mr. Bridges asked before he accepted the award. And apparently they don’t mind.)

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side – This is obviously a make-up for The Net. Speaking of make-up, lady your lipstick is blind(side)ing me! ZINGER!

Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds – His parents should have left more room on the birth certificate for the “er”. Haha, silly parents, use pencil next time!

Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique, Precious – I used to turn off BET when she came on and now she has an Oscar. Congratulations, Oscars, you just got some shitty BET sitcom renewed for another 4 years! Thankfully, I still have my TV remote and don’t watch BET anymore. The award for Best Supporting TV Watcher goes to……..ME!

And now, to bring my commentary to a close, just I’m assuming the Oscars do, a post wrap-up breakdown of my wrap-up: (more…)

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