Posts Tagged ‘This day in history’


On this day in history, roughly millions of years ago, the concept of boating was inadvertently invented by a monkey. This was probably the most important day ever.


A monkey was in a tree, eating primitive bananas when part of the tree he was climbing broke and fell into a river. The Monkey’s instincts told him to hold on. He floated down the river as the other monkeys watched in amazement. They had never seen anything quite like this.

He eventually returned to shore and the other monkeys made the floating one their king. He passed on his knowledge of flotation devices to the others. Continued Nautical advancements were made and the boating monkeys proceeded to colonize the planet.

This unintentional innovation changed the history of primate evolution and you are able to read this completely factual account of the invention of the boat because of what that brave monkey did for you.




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On this day in 1610, Galileo observed four of Jupiter’s moons for the first time. Soon after, he observed a celestial body that would blow his mind and disrupt the progress of astronomy for many years. Following this event, heliocentrism became the least of his concerns. In his notes, Galileo documented a flying donut traveling at tremendous speeds.
He was convinced that it had futurustic cheese properties which it used to propel itself through time and space. Becoming obsessed with what he had witnessed, Galileo abandoned his previous work. Instead he would stare at the sky every night thereafter, often shaking his fists at the heavens above. The once great astronomer began to wander the streets in his bathrobe and soon enough, one could no longer distinguish him from the countless other mentally unstable vagrants that populated the slums of Italy. Years passed by and Galileo was gradually forgotten until one day he walked into a library he used to regularly frequent. He began to stir up a ruckus and got into an exchange of words with the library staff.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing old man?”

“I am going to wipe my ass with your fucking scrolls, bitch.”

“Oh God, close your robe for Christ Sakes.”

“God has nothing to do with this… and besides that, you know you like what you see.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Oh, you’re going to have to ask me to pee? I think I can oblige you.” The indistinguishable pitter patter of urine striking an astrological scroll resounded throughout the silent library.

“Do you know who the fuck I am? I am Galileo Galilei … and this is what I think of your scroll.”

“Get the fuck out of here”

“Ahh, that feels good.”

(To Be Continued?)

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