This is the Montezuma Bald Cypress tree and it is 900 years old and survived a megadrought. Don’t fuck with this tree or it will kill you because obviously you aren’t killing it.
Despite it being obvious to the naked eye, many have questioned the specifics of Nacho Donut’s illustrious body parts. Our inbox is perpetually flooded with inquiries related to nacho donut’s flawless physique. Through not-science and the factual nature of infographics, we attempt to clear up some of the confusion. In Nacho Donut Anatomy #1, we bring to attention Nacho Donut’s knee. Upon magnification under a microscope, we have discovered that Nacho Donut is made of Nacho Donut.
Nacho Donut sprinted through Smelly Flowers Mall until he finally reached the food court, where his 3rd closest friend in the world, NBA player Jarrett Jack, was waiting for him.
“Sorry I’m four hours late, Jarrett Jack. It’s very hard to steer a car when you are a donut with no arms,” explained Nacho Donut.
“Yo, I would tell you that I know what you’re talking about but I’m a human being with arms named Jarrett Jack,” said Jarrett Jack.
It was true. Jarrett Jack was a human being with arms and his name was Jarrett Jack.
“What should we eat? Everything here looks equally made an hour ago,” Nacho Donut observed.
Jarrett Jack had just finished practice with the Golden State Warriors only five hours ago and he was starving.
“Well,” said Jarrett Jack, “the Sbarro pizza looks like pizza so that could be good. And the McDonald’s is right next to the bathroom so we’ll be okay if we eat there. Uh…we could get some Panda Express in case we want to be hungry again very soon. Then there’s always Orange Julius to wash it down with a mysterious orange milkshake sort of drink.”
“You make everything sound so edible!” exclaimed Nacho Donut. “This is gonna be a tough choice.” As he looked around the food court something caught his eye. “Ooh, what about Auntie Anne’s?”
Jarrett Jack looked uncomfortable at the mere mention of Auntie Anne’s.
“Nah, let’s try something else,” responded Jarrett Jack.
“But, why? We both love soft pretzels and we’re hungry and Auntie Anne’s has soft pretzels that they will sell to us. We can eat them and then not be hungry anymore.”
“We can’t go there,” said an irritated Jarrett Jack.
“Why not? What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Nacho Donut.”
“C’mon, Jarrett Jack, you can tell me. We share everything together. I know about your Athlete’s foot and you know about the time that old man tried to put glaze on me and eat me.”
“Fine,” began Jarrett Jack. “Auntie Anne is my aunt. She gave me a card that got me free pretzels for life but I abused my privileges and now I’m banned for life. There’s a picture of me in every location telling the employees not to serve me and to call mall security immediately if I try to get a pretzel.”
Nacho Donut was alarmed to hear this story but convinced that he could help. “Alright, we’re gonna fix this, Jarrett Jack, because if there’s one thing I know about you, it’s how much you love a good soft pretzel.” Nacho Donut had never looked more excited in his life. “We’re gonna find your Auntie Anne, patch this up, and then we will dine like kings on an abundance of delicious soft pretzels.” Nacho Donut had never looked more serious in his life.
“Okay, I’m in,” said Jarrett Jack.
Nacho Donut was very happy to hear this. The hole he called a mouth looked as close to a smile as possible. “The first thing we need to do is find your Auntie and then you can apologize. I’m sure she’ll understand how easy it is to abuse a card that gives you free soft pretzels for life. Where can we find her?”
“Over there.” Jarrett Jack pointed over there.
“She works at that Auntie Anne’s?” asked a surprised Nacho Donut.
Then Nacho Donut and Jarrett Jack walked over to the food court Auntie Anne’s and Jarrett Jack apologized to his Auntie Anne and she accepted his apology and Nacho Donut and Jarrett Jack proceeded to dine like kings on an abundance of delicious soft pretzels. Their dream had come true.
“Okay, next week we need to do this same thing with my Uncle Great Steak & Fry Company,” said Nacho Donut.
This is the first commercial to ever make people hungry and feel like vomiting at the same time.
This is Perry’s Victory and International Peace Memorial, in Put-in-Bay, Ohio. It is also known as Perry’s Monument if you know what is up. Do you know what is up? If you don’t, then you need to click the link and let Wikipedia tell you what is up. Like how it is the world’s most massive Doric column. And that it was built in honor of Oliver Hazard Perry, who was a goddamn American hero in the War of 1812.
The photo is courtesy of me because I went there and took a picture. I didn’t see you there so don’t even try to tell me you were there enjoying American history, like I was. Do yourself a favor and take a trip to Put-in-Bay, Ohio and take in this architectural gem. While you’re there, you can also get drunk at Beer Barrel Saloon, which is home to the world’s longest bar. So, to recap, you can visit one island (oh yeah, Put-in-Bay is an island) and enjoy two of the biggest/longest things of their kind in the world. Then, you can write me the world’s best thank-you letter for telling you all about these great things.
Posted in History, Nacho Donut Heroes, People | Tagged Doric column, Oliver Hazard Perry, Perry's Monument, Perry's Victory and International Peace Memorial, Put-in-Bay, South Bass Island, War of 1812 | Leave a Comment »